Divorce FAQs

Posted by DivorceLine in Divorce FAQs on 05 5th, 2009 | no responses

Divorce FAQs

1. When should I introduce my new love interest to the children?

New relationships and children
After a divorce or separation it is normal to wish to begin dating again. The children should not be included in any intimate relationship until you are sure that this person is someone who will be involved in your life for a while. Make sure that the people you introduce to your children you know well. Know their backgrounds and their present living arrangements. Your ex-spouse will be able to use information from the children about the people you bring into their lives.

2. My spouse is charging up a storm, what do I do?

Keeping your credit in the black
When divorcing, ask creditors to close any joint accounts and provide you with written confirmation. Try to reopen these as individual accounts. If your ex-spouse handles a joint account irresponsibly, your credit record may suffer.

3. Can I give my spouse the Court petition when he comes for the children?

Serving Court Papers
Do not serve your spouse or cause any unnecessary police action when your children are present. The Court often views these actions as being emotionally abusive to the children and may penalize you through restriction of time spent with the children, or even loss of custody.

4. My teenager is driving me crazy, what do I do?

Your divorce and your teen
Teenagers have a difficult time when their parents are going through a divorce. This is known as the time of strife in their development, when you add in a divorce it can be dangerous. Take time to spend with your teen, do not share any information pertaining to the divorce. Teens have a tendency to act older and stronger than they are, remember they are children.

Teens and sexuality
When you are going through a divorce do not allow your teen to see you in any compromising situations. They are hyper sensitive to sexuality and they do not need to be confronted with their parents sexuality.

Teens and visitation
Teens are often reluctant to go on visits with their parents. Their peers are the most important people in their life and on weekends they want to be with their friends. Find activities that they can invite some friends to join in. This will allow you not only to spend time with your teen but to get to know their friends.

Teens wanting to choose who to live with
If your teen is telling you that they want to live with one parent or another, listen to them! Do not feel insulted if they want to live with your soon to be ex-spouse. Ask them why, take them to a therapist, and join them in the therapy to be sure that the need is from the child and not the parent. If it is the child´s need and the other parent is safe, then let them go, they will come back. If you fight them they will close you off.

5. How can I get the Court to see that my ex uses drugs?

Hair test for drugs
If there are any issues of substance abuse, ask the Court to order a hair test. This test can show substance abuse over the last five years. Be aware
that the Court may order that both parties are to take the test. If it proves negative for your spouse you will lose credibility with the Court.

Tell the truth about drugs
If you have used drugs or are using drugs, tell the truth. Know that if you want child custody or visitation you will have to face your problem. The Court will find out about your substance abuse, so you have a choice to walk away or own up to it. You will need to go into a program and work on your problem. If the Court has to order this they will most likely only grant supervised contact and it will be professionally supervised. If you admit to your problem and enter a program voluntarily, you stand a better chance of unsupervised contact or supervised contact using a family member as the supervisor. You must make a choice: your children, or your addiction.

6. Why shouldn´t my children know that me ex cheated on us?

What to tell the children
When the children want to know why their parents are getting divorced, do not go into detail. Tell the children that you fight too much and you have both tried, but cannot resolve the issues. Do not tell them it is because mom sees other men or dad has a girlfriend, this will only hurt the children and their sense of self. Tell the children that you each love them and that this will never change, but that mom and dad can no longer live together.

7. My husband´s family claim we owe them money, will I have to pay?

Money from inlaws
If your inlaws gave you money during the marriage and they now claim that it was a loan, you may be held equally responsible for repaying the “loan”.

8. Should I admit that I did drugs in the past?

9. How do we tell the children we are getting a divorce?

How to tell the children that you are getting a divorce
If it is possible, the children should be told by both parents about the divorce. They should know who will be remaining in the household with them, and how and when they will be seeing the parent who is moving. Each of the parents should reassure the children that the separation is not due to anything the children have done, and that both parents will continue to love and provide for them. This is very important.

10. Can I just agree with a change in our prior agreement?

We made an agreement without my lawyer
Do not make any agreements without checking with your lawyer first. Often when you agree to something you are stuck with the agreement, it will make things difficult for you, and create friction between you and your lawyer. Tell your ex you will think about it and then check with your lawyer before agreeing.

11. Why can´t my ex and I be friends?

Don´t Expect Too Much
Be realistic in your expectations. You were married to this person and probably know them better than they know themselves. Therefore you can probably predict their behavior and response to certain situations. Don’t deliberately try to antagonize or upset the other person to get revenge. Learn the true meaning of forgiveness and get on with your life. If you harbor unforgiveness and bitterness, it will hinder your future. Let go of the past and look forward to the future. Give your ex time for his/her wounds to heal. Don’t expect too much from them. Take it one step at a time and try to work toward a harmonious relationship for your children’s sakes. Sometimes you may be able to compromise on issues, other times you may have to agree to disagree, but try to find a workable solution. Just don’t expect too much cooperation too soon. Be sincere at all times and don’t play games!

The death of an ex´s family member
Often when a couple divorces and there is a death in their ex´s family they are left feeling torn. Do they go and show their respect, or stay away? It is best to speak to your ex and ask how they would feel about your going. If you cannot approach your ex on this issue then do not go. Send some flowers or a card, and do not keep the children from attending.

12. How much child support should I get?

Calculating child support
When you file for child support ask for the guideline percentage; not a dollar amount. If the state says you are entitled to 17% of the income for one child and it comes out to $100 per pay, you want the order to read 17% not $100. By doing this you will get an increase each time your ex gets an increase and you will not have to go to Court for it.

13. What do I do with my life now, how do I survive?

Setting realistic goals
Letting go of your marriage is not easy. For years you thought of yourself as one partner in a two partner relationship. You planned on growing old together and now you have gone your separate ways. Set realistic goals for yourself. Start small: changing your routines, doing things that you have enjoyed but were blocked from doing as your mate did not agree. Use the time of healing for finding yourself. Look to the positive side of yourself not the negative side. Build your new life by building your sense of self.

14. Can I bring my love home for the holidays?

The holidays
If you have begun a new relationship, do not use the holidays as a time to introduce them to your children. Utilize the new relationship to carry you through the times during the holidays that the children will be away from you.

15. Will mediation prevent my spouse from getting a divorce?

Mediation and divorce
Do not agree to mediation in hopes that this will bring about a reconciliation. Mediation is not marriage counselling. Often people feel if they agree to go to mediation, their spouse will calm down and be willing to reunite. This is not the focus of mediation, and you may find that you are agreeing to things you cannot live with in hopes of reconciling. You will only postpone the inevitable, and may even put yourself at a disadvantage in the divorce.

16. My husband is willing to double my alimony, why?

More alimony and less child support
When your ex offers to pay a larger sum for alimony if you will agree for a lesser sum for child support do not be to quick to accept. Alimony must be declared as income and is a tax write off for the person giving it while child support. Child support is not a reportable income nor is it deductible for the person paying it.

Child support
Child support once you have gone off the guidelines is difficult to adjust back to the guidelines. Alimony will end and child support goes on until the child is emancipated. Look carefully at the deal you are offered consider all sides of offer.

17. How do we handle the children when we can´t speak to each other?

Parent Education Programs
Parent education programs are helpful for divorcing parents. These programs are designed to assist parents in continuing to co-parent their children while they are living apart. It directs parents in behavior that is supportive for their children´s emotional and psychological well being.

18. Why don´t my children want to go back home?

19. The children do not want to go home.

20. Why do I need to pay to have my divorce papers served? What can I do to cut the costs of my legal fees?

Saving on legal expenses
Ask your lawyer if there are petitions that you can file or papers that you can have a friend serve. Make phone calls or retrieve documents for your divorce attorney when you can, this will save you a good deal of money in legal fees.

21. Why is my spouse offering me the house instead of alimony? My ex is offering one large alimony payment. Is this a good offer?

Lump sum or payments
When filing for alimony look at the pros and cons of getting one lump sum as opposed to recieving weekly or monthly payments. A lump sum may enable you to get a good jump start on your life or you may feel that you would prefer a weekly check. Do not just jump into either but explore what each one offers.

22. Do I have to use a divorce lawyer?

Use a divorce lawyer
It is totally up to you, however we strongly recommend you hire one to protect your assets.

23. Who gets what, how is figured out? Can I get half of everything?

Property
When you file for divorce the division of property will be determined by the laws of your state. If you are in an equitable distribution state, then property that is not in both names will be divided by number of years of the marriage, and what each has contributed. In a community property state it is divided 50 – 50. 24.

24. My ex wants to share the parenting, won’t this confuse our child?

Shared parenting
Children of divorce do best when their parents are able to share them. This is beneficial to the parents as well, as it relieves some of the burdens of being a single parent. Putting aside your differences for the sake of your children is the best gift you can give them.

25. Can I just ignore the divorce papers I was given?

When you are served with a motion for divorce
When you are served with a motion for divorce, you must get a lawyer. Do not think that if you do not answer these papers or cooperate that your spouse will not be able to divorce you. In fact, your spouse may be able to not only get a divorce, but everything that they ask for. Once you are served with papers, it becomes a matter between you and the Court. Do NOT call the lawyer that your spouse is using just to get him/her to understand that you do not want a divorce; this person works for your spouse and will not do anything that is in your best interest. Find a lawyer of your own and counterfile.

26. Should I leave my husband? Should I leave the house?

Get out of the House
Get out! If there is violence in the house, there´s only one thing you can do for yourself. Get out. Afraid you´re over-reacting? Get out. Ashamed? Get out. Embarassed? Get out. Get yourself to safety immediately. Nothing else matters.
You can always file for divorce later. Your Safety comes first. This is also true for men too.

27. What is the difference between occupancy and possesion?

Exclusive possession
When going through a divorce, and you are seeking to have the marital property for a period of time, be sure to ask for exclusive *possession* rather than exclusive *occupancy*. The difference is that if you have possession, and at some point want to move and rent it…you may, if you have exclusive occupancy, then you must live there in order to keep it.

28. Where do I look to find the right lawyer?

Hiring a lawyer
When divorcing someone in the military, you need an attorney who has an expertise in this area, as the laws that apply are different from a civilian divorce.

29. Can I just take the children and move? I want to move who will have to travel with the children?

Relocation
After the divorce, and one parent moves away from the other parent, the Court may find that the parent who moved must bear the expense of any visitation travel involved. If both parents have agreed to the move, then the Court may find that both parties must share in the cost of transportation.

30. What do I say when the children say mom has a boyfriend?

Accept that it´s over
Accept that your marriage is over and proceed with your own life. Don´t try to obtain information about your ex-spouse´s private life through your children. The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to move ahead with your life and find happiness in a new relationship.

31. My ex´s mother died. What should I do?

32. Will my spouse get half of everything?

Community property and inheritance
In most states when you receive an inheritance it is separate property, however, the interest or property bought from the inheritance can become community property.

33. What do I do when my son looks at me with his father´s look?

Help your children see the good
When you see your child smile and it reminds you of their other parent, say something positive. For example, tell your child “you are lucky you have dad´s beautiful blue eyes”, or “mom´s winning smile”. Telling your child that through them you can see endearing parts of their other parent will go a long way in making your child feel secure. It allows your child to know that they will always be loved, even when they remind you of their other parent. It also tells the child that you still remember the good qualities of their other parent.

34. My child saw a fight between myself and my spouse, will he forget it?

Children who live with domestic violence
Children who live in homes where there is spousal abuse are in psychological and physical danger. They are likely to become abusers or abused when they are in their own intimate relationships, as children learn what they live. They are in physical danger as they often attempt to stop the two people they love and need most in their lives from hurting each other. Get yourself and your children out of this situation…fast!

35. I don´t want to fight, all I want is a divorce, what can I do? Do we need mediation? Is mediation as good as a contested divorce?

Mediation
Sitting down with a mediator prior to filing for divorce can save you thousands of dollars and a great deal of heartache. You will have the opportunity to divide all assests, as well as plan for your children rather than have someone do this for you. Also with a mediator, you can see if you really need a divorce lawyer, or if you can have a do it yourself divorce.

36. What can we do if we do not agree but do not want the Court to decide?

Mediation may be the answer
Try to avoid going to court over child custody issues. If you and your ex-spouse can´t agree on custody issues, try using a mediator. They are trained professionals and can frequently find creative and equitable solutions. Using a mediator will usually be a lot less painful than a lengthy court proceeding for both you and your children. To find a mediator, look under “Mediator Services” in your yellow pages or ask your divorce lawyer to recommend one.

37. Should I wait for the Court to order support?

When to start paying child support
Begin to pay child support when you leave the home. Children need to be cared for financially, and it will prevent you from being made to pay arrears. Pay by check, money order, or get a signed receipt for cash. You will need a record of what you have paid when you appear before the Court.

38. My A student teen is failing everything, why?

School
When the family of a teen is going through a divorce their school work often suffers. Work with your teenager in a loving and supportive manner to help them stay on track in school. If they fail while in high school they often never bounce back.

Depression
If your teen appears depressed take them to a therapist. Often when teens become depressed they turn to street drugs.

39. Is it better for my children if I wait until they are grown to divorce?

To divorce or not to divorce
Often, parents wonder if it would be better to wait until the children are grown to file for divorce. The parent´s first concern should be for their children. If you feel that you can wait for the children to grow up before you file, you might want to try marriage counseling. If you are living in a toxic environment, then it is hurting the children and you more than a divorce will.

40. What is parental alienation?

Your role in parental alienation
If you find your children are being alienated from you ask yourself what role you are playing in this. Often the parent who is being alienated has allowed the communication between themselves and their children to go through the alienating parent. If this is the case then you must learn to communicate directly with your children and all professionals in their lives. Your children will come to view you as a parent and not a peer when they know that each parent is in charge.

41. Can I just get a mail order divorce?

Know the law for your state
Many firms and sites advertise quick, inexpensive divorces. Before using them find out if the laws in your state will accept this form of divorce.

42. My teen does not want to visit, why?

Lonely teens
Look for signs that your teen is isolating themselves. If they appear to have less contacts with their peers and object to your leaving them. Teens often feel lonely and frightened when their parents are divorcing but they do not know how to say it, so look for the signs.

43. My ex is paying for everything, will it continue?

Preparing for the storm
If your spouse has left but continues to pay all of the household bills, do not be fooled. Your spouse may end the financial support at any time. Get copies of your household TRW as well as mortgage and bank statements. Go for a consultation with an attorney to plan your next move.

Do not agree to anything without being informed
When your marriage is ending do not make any agreements with your spouse until you know the laws in your state, and the tax consequences of your choice. Then seek legal advice and proceed.

44. Can men receive alimony? Can I get alimony? Will my spouse have to pay me alimony?

How to get Alimony
Alimony is not automatic. You must petition for alimony when you are first separated. You must show the court that you are not able to support yourself.

45. My divorce is not final, can I start to date?

Dating while going through a divorce
Often while people are going through the divorce process they meet someone and begin to date. While it is understandable that you are feeling lonely, dating while attempting to cope with your divorce can be dangerous. It can cloud your judgement, and it allows your soon to be ex to complain to the Court that you are using poor judgement in bringing strangers into the children´s lives. It is better to wait and begin dating when you are not so vulnerable.

46. What do I need to start a divorce action?

Divorce and paperwork
No matter how simple the divorce may seem the key is always in the paperwork. Divorce is done in a field of forms, get the forms, and either find free legal advice, or use a para-legal to fill out the forms and file them.

47. He says he loves me but he hits me. Is it love?

I am in love, but it hurts
When someone is hurting you physically or emotionally and you do not want to leave because you are in love, you need help to leave. It is often not love but co-dependency that keeps an abused person in an abusive relationship. Leave, get help, and when you are thinking clearly ask yourself if you´re really in love.

48. Does everyone feel as lonely, angry, crazy as I do right now?

Finding the right support group
If you are looking for a support group in your area the web is a good place to start.

Fighting depression
Before going to ask a doctor for a prescription to alleviate your depression, attempt to work it out more naturally. The depression that comes with divorce is real; it is not a chemical imbalance or an unnatural state, so treat it naturally. Exercise, volunteer at a church or hospital, read life affirming books, or listen to uplifting music. Take control of what you can control!

49. I want to end my marriage, where do I start?

Getting ready to file for divorce
When you decide that you will file for divorce, be prepared. Get all the financial information you can find. Know what your liabilities and assets are, know your spouse´s social security number. Your lawyer will need all of this information to begin the foundation of your motion.

50. How do I know how much child support I should pay?

How to calculate child support
Child support is based on each parent´s income. The bottom line is pro-rated. Your divorce attorney can provide you with more information.

51. How can we plan for our children? How can we split our property?

52. I can´t believe what my child said happened, who do I call?

When the children complain
When the children complain about the care they are getting from your ex, talk to your ex about what the children are saying. Do not accuse, but do explore, often children think you want to hear something bad so they tell you something, sometimes it is made up, other times it is inflated. By talking together without accusing you insure that the children do not grow up manipulating those around them.

Communication Is Important
If you and your ex are unable to carry on a civil conversation, you may need to find other ways to communicate information such as through letters or notes. If it is a very hostile situation that could end up in court, be sure to make copies of all your written communications to have as evidence should you need it. Some people have to communicate solely through lawyers, which is sad because the two adults are acting worse than a couple of two-year olds fighting over the same toy, except it is a child. If the other spouse insists upon acting like a child, then you need to be the grown-up and, by example, teach the other parent how to communicate. Set a good example for your children and exhibit some maturity in handling your side of the situation. Show them the right way to handle negative situations, not the wrong way, which is stooping to the other parent’s level. Respect yourself even if your ex doesn’t show you any.

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