Posted by DivorceLine in Divorce And Co-Parenting: Avoid This Common Mistake When Co-Parenting
Co-parenting is much easier said then done. I mean you divorced this person because you didn’t feel like you could live with them anymore. You no longer choose to have them be an important person in your life. But, when you have children together, you will always be connected. This is the often ignored dirty little secret of divorce with children. You can’t just pretend your ex-spouse doesn’t exist. You DO have to interact with them when it comes to your children.
Accepting this is tantamount in being able to effectively co-parent together. The sooner you let go of this false dream of writing them off, the sooner you can get down to the business of raising your children together.
One of the biggest mistakes I see co-parenting couples do is not back each other up. This is an extremely immature stance and one that shows everyone outside the situation that you do not have your children’s best interests at heart.
Are you always going to agree with decisions your ex-spouse makes toward your children? Not likely! Were these disagreements part of what caused the divorce in the first place? Possibly.
Even if you disagree, you MUST back them up. For example, if your child comes to your house and begins crying about how mom grounded him from the computer for a week because he didn’t turn a paper in at school, you need to support your ex-wife’s stance on that. Notice I didn’t say you have to think her choice for punishment was a good one. This is NOT the time to say such things as “Well, everybody makes a mistake. I don’t understand why your mother makes such a big deal about those
things. I never did.”
Doing that completely undermines mom’s authority and teaches your children that you can be manipulated. If you disagree, then take it up with your ex-spouse privately. But be careful here. Make sure that it’s something you disagree with enough to warrant a discussion with your ex. Don’t go fighting over minor details. In case you’re having trouble telling them apart. The above example equals a minor detail.
You should NEVER let your child know that you disagree with something their other parent did (unless there’s an abusive situation). Your stance, in front of your children, should be in agreement with that other parent.
In order to be able to discuss concerns or disagreements with your ex-spouse, you’re going to need to be able to keep an open line of communication with them. This may take a lot of work and biting of your tongue. Ultimately it is the best situation for your children though.
Co-parenting is just one of the adjustments you have to make now that you’re a divorced parent.
